Probably a Fragment of All the Things I Wanted To Say

Disclaimer: This was written during a bad time, I was away from home and Jeff and I were going through a rough patch.

Hi. I’m writing you this letter with sleepless eyes and a restless mind. This letter contains my thoughts that have been with me since the last day we spoke. I figured that I should just put all of these words into a letter, rather than a bunch of text messages.

I’m scared as hell that this might be the last time that I’m ever going to get to pour my heart out for you. I’m scared that you might never want to hear from me ever again.

First off, I just really want to apologize for everything that I did. For all of the pain I’ve caused. I assure you this – it was never on purpose. I hate myself for letting you feel all this pain.

I understand why you decided that you needed to be alone, because one person can only take so much. Being alone and deciding to ask for space wasn’t to punish me at all – it was for you to breathe. To think. To rest, to be human. To be yourself, by yourself.

I understand where your head and your heart is at the moment. I know there must be so much noise and pressure, that’s why I’ve decided to respect your space and your silence.

Apologies are in order, and here goes: I’m sorry for setting up the bar too high. I’m one of the reasons why you’re feeling so pressured and I sincerely apologize. I expected way too much from you and I might have forgotten that you’re imperfect, just like me. A human who gets tired, and who gets exhausted. I’m sorry for making you feel bad when you don’t meet my expectations.

Now, a few words to thank you: Thank you for teaching me these lessons that I wouldn’t have learned if I was alone or if I was with someone else. Thank you for helping me open my eyes and my mind to the things that I see and understand now; to the things I used to shut off before. Thank you for taking care of me after all this time.

I have never been this patient and understanding before, and I have you to thank for that. Thank you for not shutting me out completely when you had all the right reasons to. Thank you for trying your hardest, to give me things that I wanted, even when I didn’t need it. You and I are completely different people, and we don’t have much similarities when it comes to our personalities, so I want to thank you for trying to understand me. It must’ve been so difficult. Thank you for the patience. Thank you for staying.

You are one hell of an amazing person. You know it in your heart that you are more than just a “failure”. If there were anyone here who was the “failure”, we both know that it isn’t you.

I still love you with all my heart, and I probably always will. It’s still you that I see standing next to me when all my dreams come true. It’s still you that I see lying next to me, snuggled up in bed during a heavy thunderstorm. It’s still you.

I’m not sure if giving you my all was ever enough, or was always too much – but believe me when I tell you that I tried. I’m sorry for gripping on you too tight. I never meant to, and I’m sure that I never meant for any of this to happen.

Me letting you breathe was hopefully the first step into fixing things, to making things right again. I hope that by respecting your space and leaving you alone didn’t send you the wrong message. I still care. I’m still here. I’m just keeping my distance because I want you to clear your head, and to listen to what your heart is telling you. I wanted you to have the freedom to do the things you so long wanted to do, to go back to the things you missed, to make your own decisions without me hovering. I hope you didn’t think that I no longer cared. I just wanted you to be happy again.

I know that I should be considering whatever you’re feeling at the moment. I don’t exactly know what it is, whether you’re happy, you’re hurting, or you’re feeling relieved. I’m not entirely sure, but I want you to know that you are allowed to feel it.

I love you still, and I want the best for you. Always.

I just want you to feel better. I wish I could take away all the pain that you’re feeling right now, I wish there was something I could do. The silence is definitely deafening but it’s getting quite bearable, knowing that we both need it, more than anything else right now. I want you to know that I’m here. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’ll always be here.

 

Advertisements

What is Love Anyway?

“I can say with great certainty and absolute honesty that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not.”

I honestly didn’t know how to describe love when people would ask me; some say love is blind, some say love is caring for someone very deeply, and some others say love is unconditional.

I haven’t figured out what love was until I knew what love was not. Love isn’t meant to be hard. It’s not meant to give you a difficult time. It’s when you know you’re doing things for the people that matter at your own will. Nobody needs to shove it down your throat and force it, and it doesn’t feel like a chore.

Love isn’t violent, it’s supposed to be the calm. Love isn’t feeling quaint, it’s supposed to make you feel comfortable. Love isn’t meant to be unusual, it’s supposed to be familiar. Love is like walking into a house and suddenly feeling like you’re home. Love is supposed to fill you up, not make you feel empty.

Unsaid Goodbye

Can I ask you something?

Did you ever regret choosing me? Did you ever regret loving me? Did you ever regret giving me your heart? Did I ever make you feel like I didn’t love you, like I didn’t care for you? Did you feel glad that I was gone? Did you feel happy when I started to stray away from you?

Were you ever waiting for my texts or my calls when you decided to be alone? Did you ever think about texting or calling me just to check on me, on how I was doing? Did you talk to anyone about me? Did you ever think that I was a waste of time? Was I ever a waste of effort, of love, of patience?

You notice how these are all questions? Because I never got any answers. I’m probably never going to send you this. I know I should, but I also know that I can’t. I promised you a lot of things. I promised you that I wouldn’t hurt you intentionally, I promised you that I wouldn’t do this, and I wouldn’t do that. I promised you that I’d fight for you. Maybe I wanted you to fight a little harder for us, too – but that was already too much to ask, wasn’t it? Maybe I wanted you to hold onto my hand and give me a minute, to settle the war that was raging inside my head; to settle the chaos that was happening so abruptly.

You left. You left me to be alone – with your thoughts that never seemed to leave your head nor were they translated into words. To think things through, to settle the war between your own mind and heart, and to decide whether what we had and I were still worth fighting for.

As I was left in all the ruins of us, I tried to pick up the pieces left in the rubble. I dug through the ashes of what used to be good, and figured things out on my own. I was so sure that I’d keep fighting for you; I was so sure that I was ready to give all the fight that was left in me, because that’s how much I loved you.

Then there were times that I wasn’t so sure anymore. At this moment, as I am writing this now, I don’t exactly know what it is that I am feeling. Was I honestly that terrible of a person? Was I not worth the love and the effort anymore? Has your patience really stretched as far as it could? Has your heart hardened that way because of my doing?

Maybe it really was my fault. Maybe it was my madness that caused you to reach your end. I guess that’s just how a broken heart and a directionless mind makes you think and feel. It makes you cringe at yourself because of your mistakes, and because you thought you ruined something good, something beautiful, and something irreplaceable.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m going to thank you for the broken heart, but thank you for the lessons nonetheless. Thank you for reminding me of how strong I am. I was able to get up in the morning, and go about the day as if everything were normal – as if I was having a normal day – just without you in it. It seemed like the hardest thing to do at first but I did it anyway. I did it for me.

Thank you for being there for me and my family, during the toughest times. Thank you for being there for me when I couldn’t find a job, or a decent client; thank you for believing in me when almost nobody else did, myself included. Thank you for loving me when I was the least lovable person in the world, thank you for taking care of me the way that you have – after all this time – even if it means taking care of me first before you get to take care of yourself, and after you knew that it was breaking your heart, too.

I guess I deserved the heartbreak, I had it coming – because I broke your heart while you were still with me and I couldn’t see that you weren’t happy anymore. I understand why you needed to break my heart, maybe because it was just fair, because it was the right thing to do.

I hugged you the tightest when you felt like you weren’t good enough, when you were so lost because your future looked so blurry and you couldn’t see a clear path towards your finish line. I assured you that I’d help you follow your dreams, because I said I’d follow them with you. I assured you that on the day that you get to finally reach your finish line, I will be the one standing there, waiting for you with open arms, ready to hug you and congratulate you for a job well done. I gave you hugs that felt like armor, because I know that no matter how strong you make everyone else think you are, inside you is still a child that needs comfort, protection, rest, and a child that needs love.

I saw the best in you when you thought that no else could, or at least that time when you called me and you were in tears because of something that your dad said that really hurt you. I cried with you, too. I felt everything so deeply just like you did. When you got hurt, I did too. I reminded you that no matter what happens, I will always be proud of you and your magic, and that you are so much more than what other people think you are.

I loved you with all that I could, and with all that I had. I took care of you and made sure everything was convenient for you. I’m sorry if that was never enough, or if it was always too much. I’m not telling you everything that I did to get you to reconsider. I put it out here to serve as a reminder that I was good to you too.

I understood all the times that you pushed me away, even if it was hard for me to accept, I respected your decisions because I know I’m in no place to compete with your mind and your heart. I let you heal on your own. I’ve always thought that the intensity of our love for each other were far greater than any of our problems, than any of the trials and the difficulties along the way.

I’ve always thought that you were a fight that I would die for. You and what we had were worth fighting for, and so I did. I fought – with all my strength and my might. No matter how tired I felt, how badly I wanted and needed to rest, I always got back up and fought again. I didn’t complain to anybody, I didn’t ask questions, because I understood that this is what it meant to be in love. This is what I needed to do to fight for what I really wanted.

One day along the way of the journey to get back to you, I realized that I might have already been defeated; that there was nothing left for me to fight for anymore, that the war was over, and that I have lost.

This would be the part where I willfully accept my defeat. Good bye to you, to our memories, to our deepest darkest secrets, to our habits, and our usuals. I’m going to miss it with all of me. I guess this is how our story ends. I’ll find a way to forget about all the things that you left for me to remember, and I’ll try my hardest to make new memories of my own.

I can’t imagine the day that I will be completely okay again, but I’m wishing for it – for myself. Someday I’ll forgive you for breaking my heart, and I hope you forgive me for breaking yours. On that same day, I hope I forgive myself, too.

So, thank you, for everything that we’ve been through. I wouldn’t be the me that I am now if it weren’t for you. Wherever life takes you, I hope it always makes sure that your heart is happy. Thank you for everything my love, and for the last time, I’m sorry and I love you.

 

When You Fall In Love with the Right Person

Everything just feels right.

Every time you say “yes” no matter what the question may be, it feels like the right thing to do. It feels like it’s one of the best decisions you’re ever going to make in this lifetime. When you fall in love with the right person, you will never feel the hassles of going the extra mile.

Even the tough times feel right, and even the fights make sense – no matter how petty the fights start out to be. When you fall in love with the right person, it always feels like you’re deciding for two people, and not just yourself. You don’t only think of yourself and what’s good for you, simply because you have another person who wants what’s best for you.

Waking up in the morning doesn’t feel like a drag because you know you’re going to wake up to the right person’s calls or good morning text messages. You no longer need to feel like shit about yourself because you know the right one will always appreciate you no matter what you look like, even if you haven’t had a mani-pedi in weeks, your hair roots are becoming visible, and whether or not you shaved your legs.

The right one will always appreciate the extra effort coming from you, and if they don’t – go find someone else who will. They will love the sparkle in your eyes when you tell them about your passions and your dreams, and the person you want to become.

Planning a future doesn’t seem like a blurry path because with the right person, you know you can overcome any obstacle life may throw at you – like planning to have 15 dogs at home always seems like a good idea.

Leaps of faith are less scary when you’re with the right one, much less when you were alone, because you know that there is someone just as scared as you – but is willing to take the risk with you. Someone willing to hold your hand while jumping into the unknown. Nothing feels better than having a person who would willingly go through anything with you – familiar or not.

Game Changer

I used to be cold. I used to deny my feelings, I used to ghost.

I had a boyfriend when I was 17; where I used to pay for all of our bills while we were out on dates, I used to pay for all of our movie passes, and I was the one who was always driving for us. I used to think that love was enough, that I could look past this, and that I could get over being treated like this. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t ask for more because I had everything I needed. We were on and off for about four years – the last two years of which were spent on complete and utter confusion about where we stood; we were already unofficial, and we were always on the verge of calling it quits.

I knew in my gut that I wanted more, but I was too afraid to explore, to let go, and to even try to look for someone better. I was afraid to hurt his ego, because I knew it in my heart that I couldn’t let him know what was wrong. I couldn’t let him know that I was feeling like this, because I know I sound ungrateful. I knew he loved me the best way he could, but sometimes, love just isn’t enough. I used to bail on him plenty of times, avoiding him, hiding from him and totally ghosting on him because I was fed up. I knew I deserved better.

Now, this post might make me sound like a gold digger, with how I demand fancy dates, movie tickets, you know. But it’s not that at all. It’s alright with me if you’re a bit tight with money. It’s alright with me if I pay for a couple of things for us to have a good time. But I must admit that it’s quite nice to be taken out sometimes, it’s nice to feel like you already have something planned out for you instead of just planning it yourself. I know where efforts lie, I know how patient and how understanding he is, but in this area, I’ve been waiting for so long for a move and I just.. get nothing. For 4 years, I got nothing. He could’ve saved something up, right? If he wanted to? He could’ve at least offered right? If he wanted to? But he didn’t. I’m just quite disappointed and afraid that one day if I decide to stop planning out things for us, no one will, and that’s how our fire will die.

And then I met my game changer. He makes sure I’m safe. If he doesn’t pay for the entirety of the bill, he offers to split it up. He makes plans. He makes arrangements. He offers to take me home. He offers to take me out. He makes an effort to get to know everyone that I surround myself with. My family loves him probably half as much as I do. Of course we have a couple of arguments, petty fights, but we’ve always managed to move past it. I never have to worry about driving for the both of us ever again. I never have to worry about planning things ahead on my own because we now do it together.

He was the one I used to read about on those cheesy articles, he had all the traits I was looking for. He filled the empty space. He taught me how to love again. He taught me how to forgive. He is more than enough.

My game changer made me realize a lot of things, that I shouldn’t settle, and there are far better people out there. He and our relationship made me realize that you should go after what you want, and what you deserve.

You shouldn’t settle for something that makes you feel iffy, that makes you feel odd. You shouldn’t settle when you know it isn’t enough. Wait for the one who is willing to treat you better. Wait for the one who will make you realize that life does get better. Or better yet, instead of waiting for them, go look for them. This dating game is a whole bunch of trials and errors, and you should go explore and experiment. See what the world has to offer. Go find the one who makes you feel brand new.

The Things I Want You To Remember

When that dreadful day comes – and we all know it’s inevitable, that it’s just a matter of time and situation, I want you to read this. I want to let you know what it is that I want you to remember about us, before finally letting it go.

I want you to remember how I changed for you. I am not telling you this to let you know that you owe me anything, but because I really did – I wanted to change because of you. I wanted to change for you, for myself, and for us.

I want you to remember how much effort we’ve put into each other, into making things work. Remember the fights we used to have, remember where it all went wrong. At least give trying one more time a second thought.

I want you to remember how good it felt when everything was fine. I want you to remember how amazing the feeling was, that nothing compared to being happy with each other. I want you to remember the craziest times of our lives that we’ve spent together, because nothing can ever replace that.

Now, I want you to remember how bad it felt when it was all a mess. In between all the chaos, I want you to remember how lost we both felt, and how we both know that we never want to feel like that again.

I want you to remember my family, how warm their welcomes felt like, the same way that I will remember yours.

I want you to remember all the adventures we both went on, because those were the best times of our lives. I want you to remember the thrill those adventures gave the both of us, because it was one of the best feelings in the world. I want you to remember how getting lost with me felt like – literally getting lost – and then the feeling of relief when we eventually find our way again.

It’s alright if you don’t remember any of the words that I’ve said, any of the letters that I’ve written, or any of the texts that I’ve sent. I want you to look at our photos one last time, and I want you to remember the feelings that were present when we took those photographs. I want you to remember all of it. I want you to reminisce the feelings that we’ve shared, because that is all that’s going to matter.

I want you to remember how you felt about the thought of me, and how you felt about loving me.

How Do You Get Over a Break Up?

It’s a funny thing that most people nowadays still ask this question.

But they’re not stupid – being funny and being stupid are very different things. It’s funny because we all know what the answers are, we just can’t fully accept it because it hurts. It still hurts.

  • You have to accept what is happening for you to start moving on.

You have to absorb what you are going through, and yes – you are allowed to cry. Cry it all out. Make a list of the things that went wrong, and then burn it afterwards. Realize that you have done your fair share of effort to make your relationship work. Once you have accepted that you have broken up, it will be a lot easier for you to move on.

  • Talk to your friends, cry to them, and make them understand how much it hurts.

Most of our friends are people that have been with us from the very start, who have seen you change over the course of your relationship/s, and those are the friends whom you need to talk to the most. Make them understand how painful it is, and hug it out. Cry, cry, and cry some more.

  • Watch sappy movies, and cry.

It’s perfectly okay to cry. It’s okay to lock yourself in your room for a few days, just watching a few chick flicks and crying it all out. It’s okay. Believe that it’s going to be okay.

  • Treat yourself.

It’s time for change. Try something new, like going the extra mile. Eat the whole tub of ice cream, finish the box of pizza. Regret it later, or not. Go to the gym, take a yoga class, or take on a new diet. Get a haircut, or a make-over, buy new clothes. Go out and see some movies currently showing at the cinemas, whether you’re alone or with your family and/or friends. Just do it.

  • Spend time with the ones who love you still.

Spend time with your family, and with your friends. May it be just laying down in bed and doing nothing, or going out on a beach trip. This is going to be therapeutic for the soul, and it can make you feel whole again – if you let it. I promise. Realize that you still have all the love in the world, from the right people, and from yourself.

  • Forgive them, and then forgive yourself.

Whoever broke your heart most probably had their reasons – no matter how shitty it sounds, the same way you have your reasons for still staying and wanting to try again. Forgive them because they hurt you, and try to understand where they’re coming from, from their point of view. Realize that you have also made mistakes, and then forgive yourself. Forgive yourself because you deserve it. You deserve to be happy and to be at peace again. Be at peace with the decisions that have been made, and from there, you can start anew. It doesn’t matter how fast or how slow you move on, the mere factor is that you are moving on, and that is more than okay.