I wasn’t big on love.
I was the girl who didn’t expect anything. Like, literally anything. I wasn’t big on dates, even if almost half of the social media population were all cutesy with their significant others, I was still left with no expectations.
I wasn’t big on relationships.
I was the girl who didn’t care where my significant other went, what time they went home, or who they were going with. I didn’t really see the point of letting me know all those things, because you are a person of your own, with your own plans, and with your own friends. I didn’t need to know everything. I was the girl who respected space and personal time, because I like mine to be respected as well.
I was a ghost.
If the person I’m dating had done something that turned me off, I’d just disappear. You wouldn’t hear anything from me, not unless I decide to tell you the reason why I ghosted several weeks or months after. I didn’t see the point in letting the person know what happened that had turned me off, because it’s going to turn into an argument, and then into a fight. I wasn’t big on adjustments. If I didn’t like it, I’d just go. If I didn’t see any point in arguing, I’d make up my mind to just ghost and stay away.
When I found the one, everything flipped a complete 180, except for my expectations. I was still the old me who was alright with just spending time with each other, no gifts, no material things, not much dates, and just time. Time with each other was what meant the most to me.
Now I was this extra cheesy person who would post all of our photos, like those love-struck couples we see on social media, and who would tweet sweet little messages to him. I always wanted to know where he was going, who he was going with, and what time he’s going home. Sometimes I’d ask for his personal space. I wanted to spend every moment with him.
But then I knew it was wrong. I knew all along that the world didn’t revolve around us. I gave him his personal space back. I gave him the time he needed. I gave him the space.
Turns out he was cheating on me, all this time. Now, tell me, how do you forgive something like that? How do you forget all the possible scenarios that keeps playing in your head? How do you move past this?
I made a choice that I would probably regret, but I am hoping with all my heart that I won’t. I made a decision that I am better off with him back in my life than to live with a heart filled with hate and anger towards him and the other girl. I made a decision to forgive him despite what he did and I gave him another chance to redeem himself, to prove to me that he is not that kind of person.
Someone once told me, “everyone makes mistakes”. I used to call bullshit on that, but I decided to give him a chance. People keep telling me I’m brave for what I did, I’m strong because I forgave him, but I’m here to tell all of you that I’m not. I’m terrified as hell because I have no idea if/when he’ll have the guts to cheat on me again. I’m putting my whole bet on him for the last time, and I’m putting myself on the line.
Let’s just hope he doesn’t break my heart again.