Probably a Fragment of All the Things I Wanted To Say

Disclaimer: This was written during a bad time, I was away from home and Jeff and I were going through a rough patch.

Hi. I’m writing you this letter with sleepless eyes and a restless mind. This letter contains my thoughts that have been with me since the last day we spoke. I figured that I should just put all of these words into a letter, rather than a bunch of text messages.

I’m scared as hell that this might be the last time that I’m ever going to get to pour my heart out for you. I’m scared that you might never want to hear from me ever again.

First off, I just really want to apologize for everything that I did. For all of the pain I’ve caused. I assure you this – it was never on purpose. I hate myself for letting you feel all this pain.

I understand why you decided that you needed to be alone, because one person can only take so much. Being alone and deciding to ask for space wasn’t to punish me at all – it was for you to breathe. To think. To rest, to be human. To be yourself, by yourself.

I understand where your head and your heart is at the moment. I know there must be so much noise and pressure, that’s why I’ve decided to respect your space and your silence.

Apologies are in order, and here goes: I’m sorry for setting up the bar too high. I’m one of the reasons why you’re feeling so pressured and I sincerely apologize. I expected way too much from you and I might have forgotten that you’re imperfect, just like me. A human who gets tired, and who gets exhausted. I’m sorry for making you feel bad when you don’t meet my expectations.

Now, a few words to thank you: Thank you for teaching me these lessons that I wouldn’t have learned if I was alone or if I was with someone else. Thank you for helping me open my eyes and my mind to the things that I see and understand now; to the things I used to shut off before. Thank you for taking care of me after all this time.

I have never been this patient and understanding before, and I have you to thank for that. Thank you for not shutting me out completely when you had all the right reasons to. Thank you for trying your hardest, to give me things that I wanted, even when I didn’t need it. You and I are completely different people, and we don’t have much similarities when it comes to our personalities, so I want to thank you for trying to understand me. It must’ve been so difficult. Thank you for the patience. Thank you for staying.

You are one hell of an amazing person. You know it in your heart that you are more than just a “failure”. If there were anyone here who was the “failure”, we both know that it isn’t you.

I still love you with all my heart, and I probably always will. It’s still you that I see standing next to me when all my dreams come true. It’s still you that I see lying next to me, snuggled up in bed during a heavy thunderstorm. It’s still you.

I’m not sure if giving you my all was ever enough, or was always too much – but believe me when I tell you that I tried. I’m sorry for gripping on you too tight. I never meant to, and I’m sure that I never meant for any of this to happen.

Me letting you breathe was hopefully the first step into fixing things, to making things right again. I hope that by respecting your space and leaving you alone didn’t send you the wrong message. I still care. I’m still here. I’m just keeping my distance because I want you to clear your head, and to listen to what your heart is telling you. I wanted you to have the freedom to do the things you so long wanted to do, to go back to the things you missed, to make your own decisions without me hovering. I hope you didn’t think that I no longer cared. I just wanted you to be happy again.

I know that I should be considering whatever you’re feeling at the moment. I don’t exactly know what it is, whether you’re happy, you’re hurting, or you’re feeling relieved. I’m not entirely sure, but I want you to know that you are allowed to feel it.

I love you still, and I want the best for you. Always.

I just want you to feel better. I wish I could take away all the pain that you’re feeling right now, I wish there was something I could do. The silence is definitely deafening but it’s getting quite bearable, knowing that we both need it, more than anything else right now. I want you to know that I’m here. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’ll always be here.

 

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