I used to be cold. I used to deny my feelings, I used to ghost.
I had a boyfriend when I was 17; where I used to pay for all of our bills while we were out on dates, I used to pay for all of our movie passes, and I was the one who was always driving for us. I used to think that love was enough, that I could look past this, and that I could get over being treated like this. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t ask for more because I had everything I needed. We were on and off for about four years – the last two years of which were spent on complete and utter confusion about where we stood; we were already unofficial, and we were always on the verge of calling it quits.
I knew in my gut that I wanted more, but I was too afraid to explore, to let go, and to even try to look for someone better. I was afraid to hurt his ego, because I knew it in my heart that I couldn’t let him know what was wrong. I couldn’t let him know that I was feeling like this, because I know I sound ungrateful. I knew he loved me the best way he could, but sometimes, love just isn’t enough. I used to bail on him plenty of times, avoiding him, hiding from him and totally ghosting on him because I was fed up. I knew I deserved better.
Now, this post might make me sound like a gold digger, with how I demand fancy dates, movie tickets, you know. But it’s not that at all. It’s alright with me if you’re a bit tight with money. It’s alright with me if I pay for a couple of things for us to have a good time. But I must admit that it’s quite nice to be taken out sometimes, it’s nice to feel like you already have something planned out for you instead of just planning it yourself. I know where efforts lie, I know how patient and how understanding he is, but in this area, I’ve been waiting for so long for a move and I just.. get nothing. For 4 years, I got nothing. He could’ve saved something up, right? If he wanted to? He could’ve at least offered right? If he wanted to? But he didn’t. I’m just quite disappointed and afraid that one day if I decide to stop planning out things for us, no one will, and that’s how our fire will die.
And then I met my game changer. He makes sure I’m safe. If he doesn’t pay for the entirety of the bill, he offers to split it up. He makes plans. He makes arrangements. He offers to take me home. He offers to take me out. He makes an effort to get to know everyone that I surround myself with. My family loves him probably half as much as I do. Of course we have a couple of arguments, petty fights, but we’ve always managed to move past it. I never have to worry about driving for the both of us ever again. I never have to worry about planning things ahead on my own because we now do it together.
He was the one I used to read about on those cheesy articles, he had all the traits I was looking for. He filled the empty space. He taught me how to love again. He taught me how to forgive. He is more than enough.
My game changer made me realize a lot of things, that I shouldn’t settle, and there are far better people out there. He and our relationship made me realize that you should go after what you want, and what you deserve.
You shouldn’t settle for something that makes you feel iffy, that makes you feel odd. You shouldn’t settle when you know it isn’t enough. Wait for the one who is willing to treat you better. Wait for the one who will make you realize that life does get better. Or better yet, instead of waiting for them, go look for them. This dating game is a whole bunch of trials and errors, and you should go explore and experiment. See what the world has to offer. Go find the one who makes you feel brand new.