I’m not entirely sure what to write, or where to start.
You left around 4 months ago.
In the last 4 months, I did nothing but take my mind off of you. I focused on other things, because what’s different this time around, is that I had school and new friends, a fresh new start. A clean slate. I could do whatever I wanted, without having to think of anything you might say or think. Because you left, as usual. You fled and strayed away from me – your usual defense mechanism when things weren’t adding up or weren’t going your way.
Upon seeing you after the break-up, I asked if you were okay. You said yes. “If you’re okay, then I’ll be okay too.” was what I said. The moment you said yes was the moment that I’ve decided that I needed to move forward without you in my life. I already made peace with what you’ve decided upon. I was fine with the thought that we aren’t ever going to get back together ever again.
I went on with my life, I focused on my studies, I hung out with new people. I actually kind of forgot about you for a while. I was okay. I was fine. I was having fun again, I was smiling again. I found myself, even in that short period of time.
Then you started hating on me, and what’s worse – you did it in front of other people. You hated on me and you wanted other people to see. I didn’t understand why. I thought we were fine. I thought we were actually friends. I still don’t understand until now. I’ve never done anything equally as rude as what you’ve been doing. I didn’t see the point, even our friends didn’t. That drove me away further.
Not until recently, our friends told me that you still weren’t over me, and upon reading what they had to say, all the feelings came back. I thought I was fine. I thought the feelings were long gone. But also – I for one – know for a fact that these kinds of feelings don’t just fade. Especially with how little time has passed since. I had a mental breakdown, just last night. It was the first time I’ve allowed myself to truly feel. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to anyone and I’ve suppressed it for the longest time because I didn’t want to be seen being weak again because of you. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry over you – ever again, but here we are – back to square one. I didn’t think I’d ever be affected by you anymore. I thought I was doing well and was actually enjoying your absence.
I just wish you’d tell me how you really feel. I just wish you’d set your ego aside just for once and be honest with me. At the very least, please be honest with me, about what you think and how you feel, so we’ll both know how to deal with this. So we’d both know where to go from here. I just feel like we’re both just setting our feelings aside for the past 4 months and we haven’t allowed ourselves to feel everything that’s happened. I just wish we could talk about it as what it is – no games, no stirs. Just pure honesty and genuineness.
Then again, I also know for a fact that I’m not in any position to demand anything from you. I know you wouldn’t want to talk to me. I know that you can’t stand my presence. I know that you can’t stand the fact that I am anywhere near you, so how are we getting through this? Are we to continue setting these thoughts aside until we forget about it? Is that really the mature thing to do?